Limbo

Well today marks day twenty of my stay here at Swedish Hospital in Englewood, Colorado. Granted and thankfully not all twenty of those days have been consecutive but still twenty days. You would think that after that many days that I would have a clear idea of what the coming days hold... Not a chance. Every day is different and new. Honestly every day I cringe when a doctor opens to the door, not sure of what news they come bearing. As I am sure you can imagine every doctor has their own ideas, as seen during this last stay making every day a little nerve wracking. The good news I suppose is that baby number three is still warmly baking in my tummy where he should be, my body is holding up as well as can be expected and emotionally I think I have somewhat shut down only to keep my own sanity. My labs are stable and in good standings, the only thing that seems to be bouncing around is my protien levels but that seems to be an objective test with varying discretion levels depending on the doctor at the time. The good news was that the collection that was done yesterday was one hundred points lower than the one done two days prior, so there is something good.
For me at this point I feel like I have somewhat shut down and am just along for the ride. I have had to apologize to Michael a few times for not asking more questions as he is not here often when the doctors or nurses come in to see me. I feel like I just sit back and offer my arm for labs, my arm for blood presided readings, my belly for monitoring and if they ask if I have any questions I just shrug it off. I know that is a poor attitude but I think that is just about the only thing that is keeping me sain, or somewhat sain.
Each time Zeke and Ki come to visit me, my heart breaks a little more. I think there is a part of me that is so glad that they are so young, my hope is that they will not remember this crazy time in their lives. yesterday was a sweet day with my boys, they came and snuggled on my bed and we watched a movie together. Zeke had a lot to tell me about his little slumber party at our friends house during the last ordeal and Ki often was chiming in, not with words but with grunts and smiles. I know that my boys are fine with Michael and those that have graciously offeered to help, but as their mommy I am jealous that it is not me that is taking care of them, like I have done for the last two and half years.