Where one road ends another begins

I think that best fits for life right now... My forty one days now here in the hospital will be coming to an end soon but Zach's time here just began. Yesterday, after twenty six hours post delivery I got to meet Zachariah. As I was being wheeled down to the NICU I was overcome by emotions. As I entered his room for the first time my heart sank, I felt like I could have done more to keep him safe, I felt like I had let him down, but most of all I felt an ocean of worry finally wash away, I was meeting my third son for the first time. I no longer had to depend on pictures from Michael to know what he looked like I could put my two own hands on him and know without a shadow of doubt that he is going to be okay. My first visit was very overrwhelming. The NICU is tucked way back in the corner and it has the feel as you enter it of being a top secret place. The rooms are dark, the noise levels are subdued and the few people that are down here are busy attending to the little beings that are here. Although I was told a lot of information on my first visit here, my retention level of that information was not there, I was dealing with the emotional aspect. I spent about an hour taking it all in. After about an hour I headed back to my new room. Sleep overtook me for three hours. When I awoke I spent some time pumping some milk and then came for another visit. My second visit was much better, I was able to walk to hallway all by myself, I entered Zach's room to find him resting. A two hour visit spent asking questions, finding out about the machines, Zach's health and simply resting my hands on him put my mind at ease. During my second visit I got a chance to help with Zach's care time, which simply means I got to change his diaper, check his temperature and help reposition him. Every chance I get to touch my baby is just a shear pleasure, I now that it is small but I think life will be full of small steps for our little one in the beginning and I know I can speak for Michael in this as well... Those small steps are what is going to make this little boy grow to become a strong man!

Welcome

On January 20th at 5:14 PM MST the Kulow family welcomed their newest member, Zechariah William.
Zechariah means "the Lord remembers", the name is a minor prophet from the Old Testament, his writings were influenced by the major prophet Ezekiel. William means, "determination", the name came from my dad William Bretly Potter. Zechariah will have the nick name of Zach.
Zach weighed five pounds at delivery. He will be spending some time in the NICU. Last night Michael bounced back and forth between my room and Zach's. Hopefully by six tonight I will be able to go down and see Zach. With everything that took place yesterday I only got to hold my little peanut for two or three minutes, so needless to say I am anxious for tonight.

Oh joy

As if hanging out in the hospital is not enough I woke up this morning with a urinary tract infection. What is up with that? Antibiotics are on board, Michael is buying me some cranberry juice and I am going to hope and pray that this is gone by Wednesday morning. Don't want to have to deal with this any longer than I have to.
Today marks one week left of hospital stay for me...
My week's schedule:
Monday, nothing more than laying around. My mom flies into Denver in the evening.
Tuesday, blood labs drawn in the morning, last ultrasound to check on baby
Wednesday, hanging out until after clinic hours, cervix check around five and induction to begin around six.
Thursday, meeting the newest Kulow boy
Friday, recovering from delivery
Saturday, tubal ligation
Sunday, go home after a total hospital stay of forty one days.
Very excited about this week, I have been laying around thinking about it for the last thirty four days.

Hear to heart

Sorry for the emotional outpouring yesterday. One of the hard things about the hospital stay is feeling the need to hold it all together and then the reality that I don't have the ability to do it. After my ultrasound yesterday a doctor sat me down and asked me why we were inducing at thirty four weeks. Her comment was said I am sure in good intentions but it made me feel like I was being selfish. After a good cry yesterday and being on the verge all day a good heart to heart with my doctor helped. After my lab work today showed that there has been some changes in my blood, my doctor assured me that we are on the right track. That to wait beyond thiry four weeks for my body's sake would simply be asking for trouble. So Wednesday night the doctor will check my cervix and then everything will begin. By Saturday I will have my new baby and my tubes tied and will be going home on Sunday. My thirty three days here in the hospital are numbered... In one week and one day I will be going home!

Missing it

Today is one of those days where the enomity of my time spent away from home is hitting me. I miss being home with my boys. I miss running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to keep up with the insanity of life. I miss doing the tons of laundry that stacks up no matter how on top of it I try to be. I miss laying down with my boys at nap time in my bed with one on each side of me and reading six stories until they fall asleep, or sometimes don't fall asleep and I just get to snuggle with them. I miss not being able to make dinners for my husband. I miss the sound of the garage door opening and the excitement that squeals from the boys when daddy gets home. I miss the look of Michael getting out of his truck dirty from a long day of work and the boys running to him for their hugs. I miss the kiss that Michael always greets me with as he walks up the driveway. I miss it all.
There is a large part of me that wants to just be done being pregnant and go home and be snug and safe in the crazy life that we Kulows have with all five of us. I know that my body has some adjusting to do. Almost five weeks of laying in a hospital bed has made me weak, getting around to take a shower or go to the bathroom wind me. I know that after this little boy comes that life is going to take on a new role... Who knows what it will look like. Part of me feels so guilty, I want this boy to be born now, but is that really what is best for him? Am I being selfish by wanting to have him in six days? If I wait his chances of coming home with us are greater, I know that, but I just want to go back to our crazy busy life - one that has all five of us in the same house enjoying snuggle times, backyard play, dinners and even the tantrums and yelling... Everything is better when we are all together!