Friday, January 14, 2011

Missing it

Today is one of those days where the enomity of my time spent away from home is hitting me. I miss being home with my boys. I miss running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to keep up with the insanity of life. I miss doing the tons of laundry that stacks up no matter how on top of it I try to be. I miss laying down with my boys at nap time in my bed with one on each side of me and reading six stories until they fall asleep, or sometimes don't fall asleep and I just get to snuggle with them. I miss not being able to make dinners for my husband. I miss the sound of the garage door opening and the excitement that squeals from the boys when daddy gets home. I miss the look of Michael getting out of his truck dirty from a long day of work and the boys running to him for their hugs. I miss the kiss that Michael always greets me with as he walks up the driveway. I miss it all.
There is a large part of me that wants to just be done being pregnant and go home and be snug and safe in the crazy life that we Kulows have with all five of us. I know that my body has some adjusting to do. Almost five weeks of laying in a hospital bed has made me weak, getting around to take a shower or go to the bathroom wind me. I know that after this little boy comes that life is going to take on a new role... Who knows what it will look like. Part of me feels so guilty, I want this boy to be born now, but is that really what is best for him? Am I being selfish by wanting to have him in six days? If I wait his chances of coming home with us are greater, I know that, but I just want to go back to our crazy busy life - one that has all five of us in the same house enjoying snuggle times, backyard play, dinners and even the tantrums and yelling... Everything is better when we are all together!