Zach update...

I know that I have been horrible about putting up updates. Between the running between house and hospital leaves very little time. Thankfully I am married to a wonderful man, who has been taking the night shift with Zach. I think I have slept in a hospital enough to last me a life time. On to Zach, he is doing awesome! He is a fighter, not that we would expect anything less. Zach is taking a bottle for every other feeding and is now up to 35ml per feeding. Like a typical boy, eating is more important than breathing... For a short while Zach was without any oxygen support, once he started scarfing his bottle feedings he needed a little oxygen support. Zach is as of tonight without an IV. The IV was supplying supplemental fat, now that his feedings are up the IV is not needed. Keeping our little guy here is now a matter of getting feedings up and maintaining as well as his ability to maintain a normal tempurature without the need of the incubator heater. Michael is thinking that sassy will be home by next weekend, I guess we will see!

Where one road ends another begins

I think that best fits for life right now... My forty one days now here in the hospital will be coming to an end soon but Zach's time here just began. Yesterday, after twenty six hours post delivery I got to meet Zachariah. As I was being wheeled down to the NICU I was overcome by emotions. As I entered his room for the first time my heart sank, I felt like I could have done more to keep him safe, I felt like I had let him down, but most of all I felt an ocean of worry finally wash away, I was meeting my third son for the first time. I no longer had to depend on pictures from Michael to know what he looked like I could put my two own hands on him and know without a shadow of doubt that he is going to be okay. My first visit was very overrwhelming. The NICU is tucked way back in the corner and it has the feel as you enter it of being a top secret place. The rooms are dark, the noise levels are subdued and the few people that are down here are busy attending to the little beings that are here. Although I was told a lot of information on my first visit here, my retention level of that information was not there, I was dealing with the emotional aspect. I spent about an hour taking it all in. After about an hour I headed back to my new room. Sleep overtook me for three hours. When I awoke I spent some time pumping some milk and then came for another visit. My second visit was much better, I was able to walk to hallway all by myself, I entered Zach's room to find him resting. A two hour visit spent asking questions, finding out about the machines, Zach's health and simply resting my hands on him put my mind at ease. During my second visit I got a chance to help with Zach's care time, which simply means I got to change his diaper, check his temperature and help reposition him. Every chance I get to touch my baby is just a shear pleasure, I now that it is small but I think life will be full of small steps for our little one in the beginning and I know I can speak for Michael in this as well... Those small steps are what is going to make this little boy grow to become a strong man!

Welcome

On January 20th at 5:14 PM MST the Kulow family welcomed their newest member, Zechariah William.
Zechariah means "the Lord remembers", the name is a minor prophet from the Old Testament, his writings were influenced by the major prophet Ezekiel. William means, "determination", the name came from my dad William Bretly Potter. Zechariah will have the nick name of Zach.
Zach weighed five pounds at delivery. He will be spending some time in the NICU. Last night Michael bounced back and forth between my room and Zach's. Hopefully by six tonight I will be able to go down and see Zach. With everything that took place yesterday I only got to hold my little peanut for two or three minutes, so needless to say I am anxious for tonight.

Oh joy

As if hanging out in the hospital is not enough I woke up this morning with a urinary tract infection. What is up with that? Antibiotics are on board, Michael is buying me some cranberry juice and I am going to hope and pray that this is gone by Wednesday morning. Don't want to have to deal with this any longer than I have to.
Today marks one week left of hospital stay for me...
My week's schedule:
Monday, nothing more than laying around. My mom flies into Denver in the evening.
Tuesday, blood labs drawn in the morning, last ultrasound to check on baby
Wednesday, hanging out until after clinic hours, cervix check around five and induction to begin around six.
Thursday, meeting the newest Kulow boy
Friday, recovering from delivery
Saturday, tubal ligation
Sunday, go home after a total hospital stay of forty one days.
Very excited about this week, I have been laying around thinking about it for the last thirty four days.

Hear to heart

Sorry for the emotional outpouring yesterday. One of the hard things about the hospital stay is feeling the need to hold it all together and then the reality that I don't have the ability to do it. After my ultrasound yesterday a doctor sat me down and asked me why we were inducing at thirty four weeks. Her comment was said I am sure in good intentions but it made me feel like I was being selfish. After a good cry yesterday and being on the verge all day a good heart to heart with my doctor helped. After my lab work today showed that there has been some changes in my blood, my doctor assured me that we are on the right track. That to wait beyond thiry four weeks for my body's sake would simply be asking for trouble. So Wednesday night the doctor will check my cervix and then everything will begin. By Saturday I will have my new baby and my tubes tied and will be going home on Sunday. My thirty three days here in the hospital are numbered... In one week and one day I will be going home!

Missing it

Today is one of those days where the enomity of my time spent away from home is hitting me. I miss being home with my boys. I miss running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to keep up with the insanity of life. I miss doing the tons of laundry that stacks up no matter how on top of it I try to be. I miss laying down with my boys at nap time in my bed with one on each side of me and reading six stories until they fall asleep, or sometimes don't fall asleep and I just get to snuggle with them. I miss not being able to make dinners for my husband. I miss the sound of the garage door opening and the excitement that squeals from the boys when daddy gets home. I miss the look of Michael getting out of his truck dirty from a long day of work and the boys running to him for their hugs. I miss the kiss that Michael always greets me with as he walks up the driveway. I miss it all.
There is a large part of me that wants to just be done being pregnant and go home and be snug and safe in the crazy life that we Kulows have with all five of us. I know that my body has some adjusting to do. Almost five weeks of laying in a hospital bed has made me weak, getting around to take a shower or go to the bathroom wind me. I know that after this little boy comes that life is going to take on a new role... Who knows what it will look like. Part of me feels so guilty, I want this boy to be born now, but is that really what is best for him? Am I being selfish by wanting to have him in six days? If I wait his chances of coming home with us are greater, I know that, but I just want to go back to our crazy busy life - one that has all five of us in the same house enjoying snuggle times, backyard play, dinners and even the tantrums and yelling... Everything is better when we are all together!

One week

Yeah! I am down to one week now until I get to meet our newest addition. This morning I had my second dose of steroid, another dose tomorrow. This morning they also had to redo my group b strep test, my last test was done at twenty eight weeks but it only lasts for four weeks. My body is getting ready for baby, I have been having regular contractions with a lot of pelvic pressure. I am really hoping that when I get checked next Wednesday that my cervix is dilated to at least two centimeters.
Here is to one more week!

Exhausted

I am amazed at how exhausting bed rest can be! I have found myself taking little cat naps throughout the day. Today for instance I woke up at six in the morning laid in bed until seven then got up and brushed my teeth got back in bed, checked emails ate breakast, read a few chapters of my book and then napped for almost an hour. I will admit though that my dreams are surrounded around what life holds in the next two weeks. I spoke briefly this morning with my doctor about induction day. Tomorrow I will receive another dose of steroids as well as on Friday. On Wednesday the nineteenth in the evening my cervix will be checked, if I am two or more centimeters then I will be started on petocin, if I am less than two, which is likely I will be given at least one cervix pill for dilation. This morning I had a dream that we got to take baby home with us when I was discharged from the hospital which made me wake up in a panic about the laundry that will need to be done and getting all the baby stuff out of storage. I shared my dream with Michael and he simply said that he will take care of it.

A little catch up

Today marks single digit counting to baby number three! Twenty nine days in the hospital and nine more days until we get to meet number three.
Saturday was spent with some special one on one time with Michael which was much needed and much appreciated. Sunday, which I have decided are my most favorite day of the week was spent snuggling with my two little munchkins. The boys came to the hospital and we shared lunch, watched a movie, took a nap in my bed and then watched some football. I got to spend most of the day with my three men and I loved every minute of it. Five hours with all of them felt like such a treat! Monday was a rough day... My headache came on when I woke up but I was not going to admit it until I did what I could to try and manage the pain, a warm shower, breakfast, water drinking and a little nap. I caved at ten thirty, hoping to catch the pain in the earlier stages and not have to spend two days with a headache and two recovering. My doctor suggested we try a new medicine and it worked. By eight last night my headache was gone and I was feeling so much better.
This morning I had labs drawn which all came back within normal ranges! I also got to have an ultrasound to check on baby and he got a perfect ten, his movements, blood flow and such all looks great.
Within the last few days I have been noticing that I have been having more contractions. Last night was the firet time that the contractions were measuring on the fetal monitors, kind of nice, that way I know I am not poising my mind and hopefully my body is getting ready for what is to come. I mentioned the contractions to my doctor this morning and she said that she saw them too and made the same note that I did... My body is gearing up so that maybe when we do this induction on the 20th it will go quicker for me. We shall see!

Date Day

I am so grateful for our friend Jen who offered to watch the boys so that Michael and I could have a date day. Michael and I got a chance to sit and talk for a few hours. We played a game of Words with Friends pass and play. Watched some football. Simply enjoyed a few hours together which does not happen with the boys around. Jen, you rock!

Superhero

Those of you that I have talked to lately know exactly what I am talking about. Not talking about Batman or Superman... I am talking about Michael. This post is exclusively a chance for me to brag on my husband. While I have been sitting in the Swedish b and b for the last twenty five days Michael has been taking on all the house chores, kid appointments, cleaning the house, and carting the boys to and from not only the hospital but every where else. Each time the boys come to visit me Micheal sits quietly so I can have my special time with the boys. At the end of each visit a long tight hug and an extra special kiss seals my deep love for him. Four years of marriage and some rough times never had me imagining the special love that would come in the last month. Michael is a super hero, he may not wear a cape but as seen in Incredibles capes are dangerous! I truly am a blessed woman, I have a husband that loves me and three little boys (one still baking but sure to be a blessing).

Count down

I think that is about all that gets me through the days... Thirteen days until I get meet this little boy. Twenty five days in the hospital so far... One of my cousins aptly said, it is like surviving on Survivor. There are days that it definitely feels like that. I may not be required to eat bugs, but some days the food feels like something foreign that should not be eaten. I am not participating in physically challenging competitions in the same sense but laying still is rather exhausting!
I have been headache free for the most part. A little twing of pain here and there nothing too unbarable, something that can be managed with a little nap and some water. The MRI came back to reveal that there is no clot or leak, so no medical explanation for the headache... A good thing as far as we are concerned.
The last two days have brought on some higher blood pressures but not delivery worthy at this point. There are times that I set off the machine, meaning that my pressures are over 150/90 but in the last four days I have only gotten one gong! The concern lays in if I have two gong worthy pressures in six hours, of which I have not!
Today I had another ultrasound, and baby boy looked great. He tried taking a few breaths, I could see his diaphragm moving and his body moving with those movements, a huge thing. I did get a few three demensional pictures of him and he sure does look like a Kulow. He has a round face with a defined forehead and chin. At one point he opened his eyes too as if he was looking at me. It will be neat to actually see his little eyes and see his little face when that time comes.
On a much lighter note... As I sit here in the hospital I find myself laughing out loud at all these woman that come and go. I dont know who they are but I see shadows from under my door and occasionally hear the yells of women meeting their little bundles. I will say that as I hear the yelling I think, oh how neat that they are meeting their babies but also think, suck it up and quit your yelling! LOL

The plan

Like I promised I would update you as soon as I am updated... We have a plan! My labs are holding... Good. My ultrasound was good as well, baby weights four pounds three ounces and looks great, he is a moving machine. His blood flow looks good as well.
The neonatologist's recommendation was that we hold off to thirty four weeks for delivery in the mean time he suggested a consolation with a nerologist.
My doctor came and visited me while Michael was here. She explained that deliverery will take place at thirty four weeks. The only chance of changing that induction would be if my blood pressures sky rocket again or if my headache comes on with a vengeance and does not let up. While talking with my doctor the neurologist came in and the plan is for me to have an MRI. I asked my doctor what the likelihood of me being able to go home and she simply said there is no chance. She explained that the likelihood of complications coming on quickly are too great.
So home will be here for me for the next sixteen days, then there will be delivery, tubal tie and then recovery. The chances of little boy having to spend some time in the NICU are all dependent on him.
The next few weeks will be long, today as the boys were leaving little Ki guy kept grabbing my hand and trying to get me to come with him. He just clung to my neck... Hard to let my baby go home without me!

Game plan

Thankfully my doctor is back. After a lengthy conversation with her today I feel at peace and am confident that I am in good hands. The game plan as of right now is that tomorrow morning I will have my blood drawn at six, will have an ultrasound at nine to see the weight and length of baby and check his blood flow and then once all that information is gathered we will jointly make a game plan. So by tomorrow around two-ish we should know when baby is coming and the plan will be set and we will not change from that. So please be praying that my doctor and the perinatologist are able to collect the proper information and that whatever it is that God's hand is in the midst of it all. Pray that Michael and I will feel at peace, be comfortable and confident of the choice. Pray that my body will continue to hold up and that baby is growing wonderfully and that his time here in the hospital will be as short as possible.

Emotions

I have been recently asked how am I doing... Not the physical aspect but emotionally. To this question I honestly don't have an answer. I am tired, that is the biggest thing. My emotions have ranged, I have in the past few days been so mad that I felt like I might hit someone, frustrated with changes. As you can see it is hard to put exact words on this adventure, the bottom line is that in any given situation there is going to be a variety of emotions, everything is condensed and causing a roller coaster ride of emotions.

Limbo

Well today marks day twenty of my stay here at Swedish Hospital in Englewood, Colorado. Granted and thankfully not all twenty of those days have been consecutive but still twenty days. You would think that after that many days that I would have a clear idea of what the coming days hold... Not a chance. Every day is different and new. Honestly every day I cringe when a doctor opens to the door, not sure of what news they come bearing. As I am sure you can imagine every doctor has their own ideas, as seen during this last stay making every day a little nerve wracking. The good news I suppose is that baby number three is still warmly baking in my tummy where he should be, my body is holding up as well as can be expected and emotionally I think I have somewhat shut down only to keep my own sanity. My labs are stable and in good standings, the only thing that seems to be bouncing around is my protien levels but that seems to be an objective test with varying discretion levels depending on the doctor at the time. The good news was that the collection that was done yesterday was one hundred points lower than the one done two days prior, so there is something good.
For me at this point I feel like I have somewhat shut down and am just along for the ride. I have had to apologize to Michael a few times for not asking more questions as he is not here often when the doctors or nurses come in to see me. I feel like I just sit back and offer my arm for labs, my arm for blood presided readings, my belly for monitoring and if they ask if I have any questions I just shrug it off. I know that is a poor attitude but I think that is just about the only thing that is keeping me sain, or somewhat sain.
Each time Zeke and Ki come to visit me, my heart breaks a little more. I think there is a part of me that is so glad that they are so young, my hope is that they will not remember this crazy time in their lives. yesterday was a sweet day with my boys, they came and snuggled on my bed and we watched a movie together. Zeke had a lot to tell me about his little slumber party at our friends house during the last ordeal and Ki often was chiming in, not with words but with grunts and smiles. I know that my boys are fine with Michael and those that have graciously offeered to help, but as their mommy I am jealous that it is not me that is taking care of them, like I have done for the last two and half years.