I was looking through my past posts and I was noticing that there is a trend - it seems that Thursdays seem to be the day that I have the most to say, most of my Thursday posts are titled something a long the lines of randomness... so instead of doing that I figured that I would just make my Thursday posts be thoughtful...
Yesterday was a rough day for me. I woke up in a funk and the rest of the day continued that way. It didn't help that I had to scream - maybe it is just me but if I have to raise my voice much more then a "loudish" yell then I feel horrible... I feel horrible that I screamed, I feel bad that I let me anger get the best of me and I regret that I "spewed" on the closest victim.
I will say though that a few really good things came from my scream fest and yesterday in general - Michael and I took some time yesterday afternoon to sit down and talk! Talk about real issues, talk about feelings, and what we are needing from each other. We sat and talked for almost an hour while our boys quietly played together! It was so nice, I felt so much better, I felt heard and loved! I think that Michael and I have been going about life for a while now as two separate people and I really felt like yesterday was an opportunity for he and I to reconnect. We had some good laughs, some insightful topics, and some trying things but we talked! (As you can tell this is a huge thing that I needed and feel fulfilled that it happened in-spite of my funky feeling yesterday!)
A very consuming thing in my little world right now is Zeke! I have shared that he has been struggling with stuttering and it only feels that as each day passes it only gets worse. I can say that there are some days that we can get through a sentence with very little stuttering but then there are some days where a simple sentence becomes a three or four minute process. I was sharing with my dad today that being a "fixer" by nature I wish there was something that I could do to fix it, for Zeke, for myself and for our family. One of the hardest aspects of the stuttering is trying not to loose my mind and temper! I often feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin when one word takes what feels like minutes to come spilling out of Zeke's mouth. My heart breaks for my little man... in the last few days he has said to me that he has no words! I have been trying to be as positive as possible and reassure him that he does have words but sometimes they are just a little bumpy! So along with our count down to his birthday, which is 21 days in my mind I am also counting down the days until he and I go in for our appointment with the speech pathologist in 18 days!
This afternoon as I was getting leftover lunches ready for the boys I just sat back for a minute and had one of those visions of what a great life I have and knew in those few seconds that this would be one of those memories that is stored in my mind for years to come... Zeke and Ki sitting at their table in the dinning room, Zeke helping Ki with a little snack and Ki smiling his little grin in admiration at his big brother. I am truly blessed and sometimes I forget it in the hustle and bustle of life but recently I have been trying to take the time to remind myself of the small and daily blessings that happen! Life sure is a fun ride, there are times that I feel my stomach drop, there are times that I feel a little anxious, but I know that it will all end well!